I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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