bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
