I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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