My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
