His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
