Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
