omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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