we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
