he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
