I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
