just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
