I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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