It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
