my phone needs a breathalizer
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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