Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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