I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dear god my vagina.
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