The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
