I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
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I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
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I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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