apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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