shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
