hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
