I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
