There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
