I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
