We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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