I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
