I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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