youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
