I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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