That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
