dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
