where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
