can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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