I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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