I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
