why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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