I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize