Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
