Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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