did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
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Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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