I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize