Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
