Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
