How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
