My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
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I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
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My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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