Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
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Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
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I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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