I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
