so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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