puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
