I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
