I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
