somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
