I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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