Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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