woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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