So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
