first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
