Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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